Angst of my Anxiety

Hello and welcome back to the continuing adventures of Di and her anxiety meltdown. Previous episodes left our emotionally challenged heroine in the clutches of the evil mental health specialists. The guilt of being inadequate and failing her own therapist, too much for her to handle. Spiraling down into the pit of total depression. Falling..falling..falling... Will she avoid the horrors of being buried alive under tons of therapeutical homework? Will Doctor Good Therapist come riding to her rescue and pull her from the grips of certain anxiety and self-hate? All will be revealed in this episode of Angst of my Anxiety!

In this episode we find our friendly anxietist sleeping soundly in her bed, unaware that the last bus to therapyville was departing the station. Soft slumber caressing her with dreams of evil madmen taking over the world. Ah, such sweet dream indeed.

As time continuum becomes slightly distorted because buses are involved, her doting husband brings the wake-up call a few minutes late. Panic sets in as the rush is on now to find some way to make it to therapyville on time. The Metro Gods were not smiling down on our panic stricken anxietist this day. She was destined to be LATE!!!

LATE is a four letter word of the worst kind to any anxietist. The mad dash from the bus to the office, the crazed panting and gasping while gripping the counter with trembling hands, the look of completely imaginable scorn you know you will soon be receiving from the receptionist that they hide so well behind their plastic headsets and faked smiles, culminating in the knowledge that the whole room of people will know you are a complete and utter failure as a person because you can't make your appointments on time! They all watch you with fearful expressions knowing at any time you will be swallowed up by the paradoxical time vortex your lateness has caused in the fabric of appointment logs everywhere.

Doting hubby had called ahead to prepare them for the cataclysmic event soon to unfold, giving them ample time to prepare. Our overly stressed Anxietist, back to the wall, slumped and self-loathing over inadequacies, waits staring at the door where Doctor Good Therapist will thunder through, concealing his inordinate amount of anger (at her tardiness) beneath a smile, and gesture towards the door with his kindly "Can I get you something to drink?" rhetoric.

Seemed like forever, but Doctor Good Therapist emerged with his smile, gesture and rhetoric. Quickly, our never-to-be-late-always-early-faster-and-quicker anxietist rushed to meet him, taking him up on the offer of some water as uber super quickness followed by much you-are-overweight panting causes one to become thirsty. This alleviated some of the dead man walking slow motion action of their traversing the hallways to Doctor Good Therapists room.

Worried and on the brink of an emotional meltdown, our super anxietist waits patiently (like a patient) on the light blue anything-but-love love seat which is called the couch (even though it is not) in therapeutical company. As Doctor Good Therapist returned, offered the sanitary paper cup of water, and took his characteristic place in his rolling office chair with legal pad and pen, talking ensued. Our anxietist was please to learn that she was not going to be tossed under the bus even after her grievous error in appointment making time management. Doctor Good Therapist did not think it was a good match either. However, he had a look that made our anxietist wonder if crazed psychiatrist lady had freaked out on him, beat him about the head and shoulders with her homework packets, and left him with only a portion of his left temporal lobe still intact. He did not seem to be giving details, but our teary eyed anxietist was okay with this as moving along to other topics was okie dokie with her.

The session wrapped up and our anxietist heads out to catch her bus, taking her emotional baggage with her. Neatly packing her self-hate, loathing, guilt and depression into a pretty package with a big bow and carrying it securely with her. Perhaps there will be a reality series spin-off called Extreme Hoarding: Emotional Baggage. We will have to see. For now, dear readers, I bid you goodnight. (Cue Hitchcock Music)

Down Drafts of Life

Wednesday..yes a few days ago..I had an appointment to see a psychologist or psychiatrist(not sure)about becoming part of her depression group. The idea of it had potential because I am observant and learn the most out of observing things around me and putting those things into practice. Which probably explains why I am so messed up, looks around her. So I go to this appt and immediately we are not seeing eye to eye. She was tossing out buzz words for therapy practices and I was sitting there like deer in the headlights. Wha??? My therapist and I talk about stuff and he suggests things..no bashing over the head with large volumes of therapy words..sorry lady. No, I am not taking the medication anymore either that the other psychiatrist prescribed either as it caused me to hurt so badly from muscle cramps that I thought I was better off dead. Besides the feeling of caffeine jitters. To which her response was the "Oh"..the dreaded "Oh". You know the one..when you were a kid and you told an adult something that disappointed them but didn't want to explain to you why and crush what little self-esteem you might have. This therapist obviously had opinions that she did not want to share with me..like "Well my respected colleague knows you better than you know yourself and you should have listened because she is smart and you are not." because even after I explained it to her why I was no longer taking the medication she provided me with merely another "Oh" of the same kind and magnitude of disappointment as the other. It could have been more simple of course like "Oh, I see..Unmutual Zealot". This was not going well.
So, from this point it seemed to deteriorate quickly. It was only a half hour session. She hit me with some more big psych book words and it all boiled down to having to do a ton of homework. The group was to meet once a week and she wanted a depression journal of (her expectations) at least three depression thought projects a day. This entails stopping what you are doing every time you feel a little depressed and writing about it. Which also entails figuring out what is causing it, what you are going to do to make it better, how you are feeling about it and so on and so on. I had attempted to do one of these thought journals once and it lasted about a day. If I knew what was wrong with me and how to fix it, I wouldn't need therapy sheesh. I don't even feel like getting up to eat or drink let alone write you a 3 page report in triplicate. She was very unmoving about the point of structure and homework so it appeared that we were not going to be seeing any more of each other. She gave the obligatory "I will talk with your therapist about it before you see him next" dismissal and I headed to the bus stop to catch the bus home.
I was having such a Mr. Blue Sky day and it got stomped right down to a tears and worthless feeling one. I felt I disappointed her and my therapist and I was such a bad person for not working hard and being able to perform. Stinky Thinky does not like to be challenged and if there is a chance you are going to overcome it..it fights back. Much like those Mucus commercials on television. My Stinky Thinky has more luggage than American Eagle Airlines loses in a year. (Rats on herself - looked up statistic for most lost luggage on internet...my bad) Anyways, I have my real therapy appointment today. I will know if my therapist hates me and I end up in this therapy group. Have to wait and see. Definitely will give us something to talk about in our session. *Plays another round of Mr. Blue Sky* More later...

Just Need to Dance!!

I have been watching Dr. Who episodes from the new seasons. Currently I am watching season two and will be watching season three soon. Become addicted to it and have to watch all the seasons now, like that is a shocker. Can Will Power be negative? Perhaps there are just some massive modifiers to my dice roll to resist. *shrugs* Anyways, the important part of this..you know the important part that comes 100 words later.. There is an episode where the main character of this episode (Which is not the Doctor so you may ask Who?) is a guy who is searching for Dr. Who and loves ELO. Electric Light Orchestra for those who don't know..what?..who?..Old Rock Band from the 70's and 80's with big hair. Yes, I know that narrows it down to ALL ROCK BANDS from that era but..anyways...You have the internet or some equivalent or you wouldn't be reading this..so look it up...
Okay maybe 160+ words later..The important part is that he likes ELO and they played some of the songs while he danced around his apartment. Much like Foot Loose...Hopefully we have all arrived at the 80's okay so I don't have to explain this reference too. They are playing the song Mr. Blue Sky and I just can't help but dance. Was having a pretty normal Ho Hum day and this just put the wiggle into me. So, obsessive compulsive me has been listening to this, and (just to make me sound less nuts) some other ELO songs. Yes, occasionally I play another but it is still ELO. Played it 4 times while blogging just now. Don't have the CD yet but...yes, I think I will have to obtain it.

Now it is time to go home

The party is over! No more weight loss and the depression has come home to evict any positive happy thoughts and feelings. I can't convince my Adipose to go, they love it here!!! Dr. Who must be thwarting Matron Cofelia's plans again. Let's stick an L on Di's forehead and banish her to the closet. The YMCA isn't helping either by having the pool area closed until after labor day. Already my resolve is gone. *Sighs*

My thoughts are just too scrambled in my head. Stinky Thinky loves to block rational thought and fill my head with only depressing, demoralizing, and just plain hopeless bummer type thoughts. Before you catch what I have, depressionitis I guess, I will end for now...no fun :-(

Die with a T: The Master Anxietists Weight Loss Goals Pt 3

This is the important part of my new eating plan in my mind. The drinking of 100 or more ounces of water a day. I drink water before and after I eat something. Now, you may be asking exactly how much water I drink? The amount didn't seem important as much as how it made me feel. I wanted to achieve that slightly full feeling thinking it may trick my body into thinking it is full without eating enough to be full. Trick the body and metabolism into thinking it has to go to work. Crack the whip on that lazy sloth! The water may also help in digestion too.

The best part is that my new plan seems to be working. Seriously been steering away from the high sodium and fat foods. Cheerios has become my snack food. I do enjoy raw pumpkin seeds and roasted unsalted sunflower seeds too occasionally. And, for breakfast, I do enjoy my strawberry smoothies. I found Bolthouse farms Chi Tea Soy drink (great source of protein for me and helps with my anemia). I use that as the base and add about 5 strawberries to an 8 oz glass. I have one of those blenders that has the individual 8 oz plastic tumblers that you attach the blades to and it makes individual drinks. The generic version of the one on the infomercials but it works great and is really easy to clean. Cleaning is a 4 letter word in my book.

So far I have lost almost 25 pounds. About half a pound a day to a pound sometimes. More later...

Die with a T: The Master Anxietists Weight Loss Goals Pt 2

Continued...
My first attempt to actually follow this meal plan was to make some ahi tuna filets for my protein. Never cooked Ahi tuna, nor any fish for that matter, but I watch Hell's Kitchen and Chef Ramsey always donkeytizes his contestant chefs (using this word lightly) for under cooking the fish. "It's Raw!!", he screeches on a regular basis. I won't let you down Chef!! I will cook this Ahi Tuna until it is completely cooked all the way through!! Got my pan good and hot, seared that tuna a beautiful golden crisp on both sides then lowered the heat to allow it to cook ALL THE WAY THROUGH. Nice internal tan tuna color. Yes, yes..I had...damaged it beyond repair. I plated my tuna with the consistency of industrial truck tires and attempted to chain saw off a piece. It appears that Ahi tuna is mostly served raw with that nice sear on each side. Fillet Mignon of Tuna and I had turned it into solid rubberized block of nearly impenetrable, never to decay, fish sculpture. The overcooked rubbery consistency of calamari had nothing on my tuna, but I ate it. Probably worked off a ton of calories just chewing it. I do have to say on my second attempt, after realizing my grievous mistake, my ahi tuna fillets were to die for. Melt in your mouth goodness. Hubby, an associate of his and I nearly finished off a whole fillet because we couldn't stop eating it. Btw, the two fillets I bought were supposed to make enough meals for 4 days.

The main point is that the meal plans weren't really for me. I do most of the cooking and hubby isn't really a fan of veggies. he doesn't like cheese either which makes cooking fun too. Cheese was a no-no on the meal plan. Foods with a high fat or sodium level were unmutual and therefore banned. I still wanted to give this eating more often idea a chance. I could understand my body's need to hoard the energy (aka fats, sugars, and carbs) if it thought that it wasn't going to get any for awhile. I would do the same thing. It reminds me of an old game show I used to watch called "Supermarket Sweep" where contestants had a certain amount of time and they had to go crazy in the supermarket grabbing tons of food because the one with the highest total grocery receipt won. I am smart and though most of us won't admit it, I know what I eat in a day and how much I over eat in a day. So, I modified the meal idea to allow me to eat the food I cook normally. Just eat much smaller portions more often and supplement with a small lake of water.

Die with a T: The Master Anxietists Weight Loss Goals Pt 1

Started to TRY dieting before embarking to Las Vegas for hubby's conference on July 11th. Tried to Exorcise (aka exercise for those who have a ton of weight haunting them) by walking much more than I usually do and eating less. Didn't have any significant results except being able to walk further. Any weight loss came from the hoard of mosquitoes that would enjoy my company on a regular basis. Veritable juice bar on legs with my anemic bleeding hanging out the welcome sign.

Anyways, in the beginning of August, this year (2010), I saw a weight loss plan on late night infomercials. It was by Michael Thurmond. Always skeptical because of my late night lack of resistance to scams because everything seems wonderful when you are half asleep if not more from their super-hyper-omg-this-makes-me-even-more-tired promoters. Horrors of buying anything you don't absolutely need from television or the internet always overcomes their sales pitch in my book, I looked for some information about this weight loss scheme online. Much to my now peaking interest, there didn't seem to be many bad reviews. It appeared to work if you were willing to follow the strict plan. Strict Plan = Scary in my mind. Continuing to want to be talked out of dieting, something I think everyone really wishes someone would do when they decide to start one, I looked to my favorite place to find things I am interested in but not enough to consider engaging the hoarding mechanism; the library. They did so happen to have a couple of books on this diet plan so I requested them and with the obligatory transit time, arrived to check out.

The diet plan was a very fascinating book. Reading books is another agony to me but I was able to skim chapters and actually understand the idea of the program. Found my body type by doing the quiz at the beginning. I was the big round bulbous body one with the lousy metabolism (which apparently most people are) or "A" for short.
The diet plan was open but complicated. Never like the 2 ounces of this and a milligram of that but did like the idea of eating every 3 hours. I attempted to garner what the whole idea of this specific diet was and it seemed to me that they were trying to convince your body that it was not hungry and didn't need to store fat and that you weren't going to give it any fat in case your body was hard of hearing or something. Took away the "fat makes fat" idea. It made sense...