Down Drafts of Life

Wednesday..yes a few days ago..I had an appointment to see a psychologist or psychiatrist(not sure)about becoming part of her depression group. The idea of it had potential because I am observant and learn the most out of observing things around me and putting those things into practice. Which probably explains why I am so messed up, looks around her. So I go to this appt and immediately we are not seeing eye to eye. She was tossing out buzz words for therapy practices and I was sitting there like deer in the headlights. Wha??? My therapist and I talk about stuff and he suggests things..no bashing over the head with large volumes of therapy words..sorry lady. No, I am not taking the medication anymore either that the other psychiatrist prescribed either as it caused me to hurt so badly from muscle cramps that I thought I was better off dead. Besides the feeling of caffeine jitters. To which her response was the "Oh"..the dreaded "Oh". You know the one..when you were a kid and you told an adult something that disappointed them but didn't want to explain to you why and crush what little self-esteem you might have. This therapist obviously had opinions that she did not want to share with me..like "Well my respected colleague knows you better than you know yourself and you should have listened because she is smart and you are not." because even after I explained it to her why I was no longer taking the medication she provided me with merely another "Oh" of the same kind and magnitude of disappointment as the other. It could have been more simple of course like "Oh, I see..Unmutual Zealot". This was not going well.
So, from this point it seemed to deteriorate quickly. It was only a half hour session. She hit me with some more big psych book words and it all boiled down to having to do a ton of homework. The group was to meet once a week and she wanted a depression journal of (her expectations) at least three depression thought projects a day. This entails stopping what you are doing every time you feel a little depressed and writing about it. Which also entails figuring out what is causing it, what you are going to do to make it better, how you are feeling about it and so on and so on. I had attempted to do one of these thought journals once and it lasted about a day. If I knew what was wrong with me and how to fix it, I wouldn't need therapy sheesh. I don't even feel like getting up to eat or drink let alone write you a 3 page report in triplicate. She was very unmoving about the point of structure and homework so it appeared that we were not going to be seeing any more of each other. She gave the obligatory "I will talk with your therapist about it before you see him next" dismissal and I headed to the bus stop to catch the bus home.
I was having such a Mr. Blue Sky day and it got stomped right down to a tears and worthless feeling one. I felt I disappointed her and my therapist and I was such a bad person for not working hard and being able to perform. Stinky Thinky does not like to be challenged and if there is a chance you are going to overcome it..it fights back. Much like those Mucus commercials on television. My Stinky Thinky has more luggage than American Eagle Airlines loses in a year. (Rats on herself - looked up statistic for most lost luggage on internet...my bad) Anyways, I have my real therapy appointment today. I will know if my therapist hates me and I end up in this therapy group. Have to wait and see. Definitely will give us something to talk about in our session. *Plays another round of Mr. Blue Sky* More later...